This year I’m gonna get him. I thought I had the right idea last year, but it didn’t work. I had made a net out of dad’s fishing line. Do you know how long it took me to make that thing? I spent weeks and weeks putting that thing together. My parents thought I was just watching stupid stuff on youtube, but I was on a survival site learning how to create a drop net deer trap. No, I wasn’t trying to catch Rudolph. Rudolph is cute. He’s innocent. I wanted to get my hands on the big man himself. And no, I don’t hate Santa. I love the guy. But he’s just too sneaky. In fact, he’s soooo sneaky that my big sister doesn’t even believe he exists.

That was how this all got started. Two years ago, when Christmas was getting close, that do-gooder, Amy got all bratty and tried to tell me that Santa doesn’t even exist. Serially? Everybody knows Santa is real! Where do you think all those presents come from? Even the clothes. Amy tried to tell me that mom and dad buy them, but we all know that if mom was buying me clothes, all she would buy is corduroys and black socks. It seems like all she ever says to me is, “Those jeans are dirty, go put on the corduroys I picked out for you.” And, “How many times did I tell you, you can’t wear white socks with your dress shoes.” And if dad were buying my clothes, you know they wouldn’t be the right size. No. It’s gotta be Santa Claus. Besides, last year I wrote in my letter to Santa that I wanted the Star Wars Droid inventor kit. What did I get for Christmas? The Star Wars Droid Inventor Kit. Did I tell mom or dad what I wanted? No. I didn’t tell nobody except writing it in my letter to Santa. Everybody knows it is against the law to read other people’s mail. My parents might be mean sometimes, but they aren’t criminals.

I tried telling all this to Amy, but she didn’t buy it. She said, “Unless I see him with my own eyes, you can never prove to me he’s real.” I tried to tell her that she sees him all the time at the mall. But she just turned around and said to me that we have visited the mall, Walmart, and Target all on the same day. At both Walmart and Target, Santa was outside the front door ringing his bell for poor people, and yet Santa was also sitting nice and warm inside at the mall taking pictures with little kids. I have to admit that she was right, but the little brat didn’t have to stick out her tongue after she said it. I wanted to rip it right out of her mouth. I know the real Santa probably has to hire people to help him out. I think when I get really old like grandpa, I am going to grow out a beard so that Santa will hire me too. But only if I can do the pictures, not the bell. It is too cold to stand outside all day long.

So anyways, if Amy needs to see Santa with her own two eyes, then there’s nothing else for it. I’ve gotta capture the old man. The first year I thought it would be enough to just catch him hootin and hollerin so loud he wakes up the whole neighborhood. I spread out all my marbles and all my little green soldiers across the floor between the fireplace and the tree. I was convinced that this would work, but when I woke up in the morning, they had all disappeared! Worst yet, they were inside first two presents I opened. One present was a box with all my marbles, and the other had all those army guys. Each box also had a piece of coal inside it. You gotta say for Santa, he’s a real tricky guy. I knew I had to take this thing to the next level.

So like I said, last year I spent all of November and December making that drop net. The problem was, I put the tripwire for the trap a little too close to the fireplace. The next morning, I woke up to find the net all folded up nice and neat, and the tripwire had been burned in half. Santa must have come down the chimney and saw the thing already lying right in the middle of the living room floor. At least he was kind enough to clean up the mess, but then the jolly old man had to go and wrap up another piece of coal and stick it in my stocking along with the short end of the burned wire.

So this year I figured if I want to catch this guy I’m gonna have to do it myself. I got me a lasso as a birthday present and spent all summer learning to use that thing. Do you know how hard it is to use a lasso? Those guys on TV make it look easy, but it’s not. Trust me, it’s not. But I learned it. I got reeeaaal good. Problem is, dad found out what I was planning and told me there’s “no way on God’s green earth am I lettin’ you stay up all night to wait for Santa.” That meant it was time to get back into those survival sites on Youtube. Earlier today, when everyone else was out shopping, I rigged that lasso up to the rug. This year I’m gonna wrap up Santa tighter than the Ewoks got Han and Luke back on Endor. This year I’m gonna…

BILLY!!!

Oh, poop. Sounds like dad just stepped on the rug and ruined everything. I guess I’ll have to think of something better for next year. Looks like I’m gonna get another piece of coal in my stocking.

I’m gonna lasso Santa Claus
And I know just why because
I’m gonna pull, pull, pull, on his beard
Pull, pull, to see if it’s real

I’m gonna tick, tick, tickle him on the tummy
Because he laughs so funny
He’s so jolly and so fine
When he comes around on Christmas time

I’m gonna lasso Santa Claus
And the reason is because
I know a boy and girl he never goes see
He never brings ’em toys like he does for me

I’m gonna pop, pop Santa Claus
With my water pistol gun
And then I’ll take his bags of toys and run
And bring to all the kids who don’t have none